5.3.09: It's Shoetime!!!

This May 3, 2009, my numero uno idol, Manny "Pacman" Pacquiao, will be battling it out with the British brawler Ricky Hatton. It figures to be another explosive encounter for the Pambansang Kamao as he seeks to add the 140 lb. division to his list of pugilistic conquests.

You might find it hard to believe, but I used to harbor dreams of being a pro boxer. I used to idolize Iron Mike Tyson back when he was still terrorizing the heavyweight division. I'd imitate his every moves with gusto and plastered my rooms with his pictures. Heck, I even tried his "ear-biting" ways. Unfortunately, it was our maid who was on the receiving end. MT was my first mancrush. Verne Troyer was the next.

Alas, my dreams of prizefighting glories would never materialize. I was deemd a teeny-weeny bit undersized for my weight category (welterweight, 140 lbs.) However, i still remained a keen observer of the "sweet science". Come Sunday, I will be part of the throng cheering on Pacman in the Powerplant Cinema. SM Cinemas are too jologs for my taste. You know?

I could have been a contender. Living the life that Manny is having now. Instead, all I do is constantly battle the urge not to whack off so often. Sniff. I envy the guy below who seemed to had it better.

Caught on Camera!

Above is a snapshot of one lucky but extremely shy loverboy. Why can't he just take a hint from the two extremely horny apes below who's doin the nasty, au naturelle at that too! Me likey horny monkeys!

Memories of My "Muntikan Na" Moments: The Koreana Incident

(This true story transpired around December 2008. I still frequent Master's. Maybe just maybe it'll be consumated the next time around...)

Master's Poker Den in J. Bocobo,  Malate has lately become my de facto hangout during Friday nights. Here, casual and inveterate gamblers match wits and skills in a game of Texas Hold-em Poker. After toiling for two weeks,  I get to be philantrophic by throwing away half of my salary on the poker tables. As my hero Austin Powers so fearlessly proclaimed, "I like to live dangerously". 

This particular Friday night at  Master's was teeming with tourists. I reckoned most were from Korea. Note to self: Time to siphon off those Korean dudes newly-exchanged PhPs. After almost an hour of playing, it seemed that my mental note was not coming into fruition. I was constantly getting bad beats and running into some formidable (and unbelievably lucky) foes. I once went all-in with my full house only to be trashed by a four of a kind on the river. Damn. There goes another 1k worth of chips. 

But I was not about to let those tourists get the better of me. I still had 2k remaining, money which I had earmarked for my Meralco payment. I hesitated for about 2 seconds, and after much soul seaching, I made a beeline to the cashier and immediately rejoined my table. Them Lopezes could wait for now.  

So on the game went. While I was waiting for a big hand to come my way, a drop-dead gorgeous Korean chick decided to join our table. She was smokin' hot! Schwingggg, my lil birdie immediately went. Luckily for me, she sat about two seats from my spot-  well within conversation distance. Time to go all Player's Cologne on her, I said to myself. It was the time to "make my move!".

I started by stealing glances at her. When this failed to catch her attention, I resorted to fixing my eye on her shaggadelic face for about 5 seconds. This desperate (and creepy) move somewhat made her feel uneasy but I was able to fixed her uneasiness with my ever-reliable killer smile. After a few minutes, I noticed that she too was glancing at me and was even shyly smiling at me. I took that as a cue to finally muster the courage to make small talk. I began with the worn out" Hi! where you from?" schtick. Thankfully, she was in a chatty mood and we started to converse. 

Her English was surprisingly good. I learned that she was with some college friends and it was their first time here in Manila. She admitted to being a big poker player back home and just chanced upon Master's while she and her friends were strolling around Malate. I played to my strengths and regaled her with my fabricated poker "war stories" and also sprinkled my tall tales with interesting factoids about the Philippines. She was still a wide-eyed (and hopefully, horny) tourist after all. 

The poker game became an afterthought and I just folded my cards every chance I had. Sensing that she was slowly cozying up to me, I volunteered to tour her and her friends around Manila's tourist traps er, spots the following day. To my surprise, she readily agreed. I pushed the ante a bit and asked her if we could go grab a few bites and have a drink in Blue Room (J. Nakpil St.) after the game. She not only agreed, but also offered to leave at that very instance.  Was it my lucky night or what? 

With the deal sealed, I told her to cash in her chips so we could leave immediately. However, I haven't taken a bathroom break for an hour so I decided to empty my bladder first. I asked her to just wait for me near the cashier's booth while I went to take a leak. She nodded and off I went to the men's room. There, I talked to my one-eyed monster and happily told him about the action we were about to get. After some pep-talk with my penile pal, I hurriedly went out and headed to the cashier's booth to hook up with meet my hot date for the night.

But lo and behold, she was nowhere in sight. My semi-teary eyes scanned the room for signs of her but she was already MIA. I asked the cashier and she replied that no one has cashed in their chips for the last 10 or so minutes. Undaunted, I asked our table dealer if he saw where she went. All he told me was she immediately left the table the moment she saw me stood up. He said that she was such in a hurry that she didn't even bothered to exchange her chips and just left it there. Just like that, my romantic fortunes turned faster than you could say "all-in!" while holding pocket rockets pre-flop. 

I was crestfallen. Utterly devastated. Totally bummed out. Ok, ok. You get the sad, mental picture. I sat down in a corner and soul-searched on how it ended up so badly. All I could surmise was that she was dashing towards the exit the moment she saw me walked towards the rest room. Oh well, at least I had one of my classic "muntikan na" moments. One that I will cherish for a lifetime and proudly blog about it. Thank heavens there is such a wonderful and reassuring place called Happy Sauna. Attendant #24 was no mighty-fine Korean chick but at least she took my mind off from staging another hand party at my pad. 

(My "almost" Korean girl was almost as hot as this babe below. Sigh) 

Funky Monkey: My Most Favoritest Francis M. Song of All Time

Francis Durango Magalano aka "Francism", "Man from Manila", the "Master Rapper", left this earth for the great gig in the sky last March 6, 2009. As the nation mourns the passing of a true Pinoy music icon, allow me to post the lyrics of his bombastic song "Funky Monkey" taken from his groundbreaking "Freeman" album. May this serve as my humble tribute to the legend, the showstopper, a funky Filipino in the truest sense of the word. Vaya con Dios Francism...

FUNKY MONKEY

Funky monkey rockabye baby on the tree tops
where the rain drops fluky like the tail of a whale,
tales from monkeys without tails
Cranky lanky he's a junkie, smoking dope until he chokes,
risky frisky
and drinkin whiskey dying young is just another hoax
Funky Monkey (kumain ng saging)
Funky Monkey (sumabit sa baging)
Fun-ky Mon-key!
Sweet riffs and and funky licks,
kanabiz and a bag of tricks
Like a fuel injected pump,
these monkeys make me wanna jump
Funky monkey rockabye baby
on the tree trops where the rain drops
Fluky like the tail of a whale,
tales from monkey's without tails
Funky monkey rockabye baby
on the treetops where the raindrops
keep fallin on my head & I said to myself,
"Have I read the books on the shelf?"
'cause this is how we do it, real funky,
I figured if you would really wanna
know then I'm a show you how it's done gee whiz,
this is the style
run the 1/4 mile under a minute I get in it,
like the Stylistics
I'm on the case of Jimi Hendrix,
1966, my cheeks are full of lipstick
Wipe it off with a soft tissue paper I wanna be great,
no rephrase that
I wanna be greater! Like the tail of the whale,
tales from monkeys w/out tails
Funky monkey, a funky junkie,
risky frisky and drinkin whiskey keep
smokin on dope until he chokes,
because dyin young is just another hoax
another scam, act like a ham,
caught stealin a cheat on the final exam
the tricks of the trade is to crank funky licks,
sweet riffs and a bag of tricks
funky junkie with a bandana,
funky monkey eat a banana (funky ng ina mo!)

Spice Up Your Life With Koh-Kae Peanuts!

Just got back from a much-needed 4-day getaway in Bangkok, Thailand. Yes, I went on a trip abroad again. Alone. As usual. When your working your butt off and with no gf to boot, Bangkok is the place to calm those nerves and engage in some (paid) sexy time.

You know the world is in the midst of an economic crisis when even the babes of Patpong (Thailand's world-famous redlight district for the uninitiated) are offering their "expertise" at ridiculously low bargain basement prices. I for one was more than happy to do my share in lifting up Thailand's sagging economy. Utopia, thy name is Patpong! Note to self: Limit D' Boss visits to 3x a week to save up for a return trip to Bangkok.

Aside from savoring the sumptuous delights on display at Patpong, I also made a delectable discovery that has left a lasting impression on my tastebuds. Who knew that such gastronomic joy can be found in a simple can of "mani" or peanuts? I have always been a big "mani" fan since the time I learned about the birds and the bees. (Wink wink). But that is another story altogether. This peanut is the real deal. Its like having a veritable orgy of spices in your mouth. Big ups to the Thais for this fantabulous spicy treat of theirs.

So now I'm back here in my bachelor's pad in Makati. Lying around are 3 cartons of my newest and most favoritest snack - Koh-Kae Spicy Tom Yum Peanuts. Yep. I bought tons of them to satisfy the munchies. Pop on the latest pirated XXX DVD i bought from Makati Cinema Square, open a can of Koh-Kae, and my evening is all set! Better turn off my Iphone first so I won't be bothered by my two horny, loser pals - Robbie and Harry. They've been pestering me to check out this new happenin' KTV in Quezon Avenue. Those two are truly the biggest douchebags put here on earth. Poor things. Peace out hommies!!!

For now, it's just moi, "Intercourse with a Vampire" on my badass 46" Samsung Series 8 LCD TV, a bottle of Nivea lotion, my limp lil birdie in my right hand, and cans upon cans of Koh-Kae Peanuts waiting to be devoured. Yes sireeee, this is the life! Nom nom nom...

Me likey Koh-Kae!

What is Bad EG Diaries?

bad1 [bad] adjective, worse, worst; noun; adverb 
–adjective

1. not good in any manner or degree

EG [eh-geeh] slang; noun, adjective, adverb

1. a generic term that can be used as a substitute for any word

i.e. (EG in lieu of "romantic interest" or "courtship"). Thus, "Damn, the girl I'm trying to EG is giving me the cold shoulder again!"

Inspired by the seminal biking blog and my most favoritest blog in the galaxy called Bike Diaries,  comes Bad EG Diaries.  Here, I trade my super-sexy cycling shorts to yap about the uber-catastrophic cautionary tale called my lovelife (or utter lack of it).

Along the way, I'll also be mumbling about other random stuff, mostly out-of-this-world musings that may or may not tickle your fancy. Bootylicious and mentally-disturbed female readers (and in desperate times, even some female-looking dudes) may personally contact me if they want their fancies to be "tickled".

So sit back and enjoy the ride dear readers. You might learn a thing or two from my bad EG ways. Maybe, just maybe, you will learn how not to bungle that budding romance you've been cultivating for the past six months

Big ups and a special shoutout to all the little loverboys out there who are still hoping, dreaming, and perpetually punishing those lil one-eyed birdies of theirs. Start cutting down on those hand parties and get busy wooing the babes. As everybody's all-time favorite cheap cologne ad commands us: Make your move! 

Remember guys, hesitation always leads to masturbation....